Regrets

Have you ever regretted not doing something?

We have all had that moment, I think, where we have decided against doing something and told ourselves that we would regret it at a later date. But how often does this turn out to be the truth?

Unfortunately for me, I recently had such an experience. I am trying to keep this blog reasonably impersonal, so there will be very little emotional playback in my writing regardless about how I feel. However I have to give some details.

There was this person that I rapidly fell for when in college. From what I could tell by her general behaviour towards me and how close we had gotten as companions, she was forming a similar opinion towards me. Unfortunately, I am also not a particularly confident man, and as such I never asked her out on a date for fear of jeopardising what relationship I had with her.

This and the fact that she was with a man already, and while I have seen happier couples they were obviously content with each other. I am not in the business of breaking up relationships and making anybody unhappy and so I left it.

I knew, back then, I would regret it.

I, mainly on my blame, lost contact with her shortly after the end of college but I could never get her off my mind. Eventually I plucked up the courage to text (for I had no credit to call), see how she was and eventually ask if she wanted to go out for a drink.

It turns out that this woman, at 19 years of age, had a baby not two weeks before my text. The biological father was the man from college, but she only found out about her pregnancy after leaving him for another man. She can handle it, she is a wonderful person there is nothing preventing her from being a wonderful mother.

Now as her once close friend, and the generally charitable bloke that I am, I am obliged to make sure that she and her child are well protected and cared for. This is not devaluing her current boyfriend because, hell, he stuck with her throughout the whole ordeal. I have countless amounts of respect for him. No, it is simply my duty.

But I can't get this feeling off my mind. Maybe had I asked her in college she would not be in this predicament? Maybe if I simply hadn't lost contact I would have been able to provide support through the most difficult time? I feel I have failed as a friend because of this and it is weighing down on my soul.

My only confort is the fact that we can't change the past, only look to the future.

But that doesn't stop me feeling regrets.